


Revadren

by ElmiDol



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Choking, Dom/sub Undertones, Dry Humping, F/M, Face-Fucking, Mentions of Blood, Moody Reader, Oral, Passive thoughts of suicide, Possible OOC Ren, Some Fluff, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, breath play, minor hurt/comfort, slight leather kink, thigh riding, tw: mentions of sexual assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-06-16 07:02:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15431589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElmiDol/pseuds/ElmiDol
Summary: It burned through you in stages, consuming who you had been and altering who it was you were to become. He had not been there for all the steps. Somehow, though, he had arrived when it mattered most.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kylosbrickhousebody](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kylosbrickhousebody/gifts).



> I am not entirely sure if this fic is something that will hit your interests/preferences. So many people helped my healing process along the way, whether they knew it or not. You were the final nudge that allowed me to at last accept things enough that I could begin truly moving on. I can never thank you enough for that.

**Revadren**

_by elmidol_

_{gift for kylosbrickhousebody}_

 

Part One 

It burned through you in stages, consuming who you had been and altering who it was you were to become. He had not been there for all the steps. Somehow, though, he had arrived when it mattered most.

 

The first step was the most powerful of all. The invisible force that shattered you. You had never realized just how fragile you could be until that moment. Even the heat of the shower, the water hot enough to leave visible marks on your skin, wasn’t enough. You wanted to peel away your flesh. It was a prison, confining you and sentencing you to endless agony. You were crouching in the shower then angling your body, legs parted then quickly pressed together. The pain spiked. Allowing them to fall open once more, albeit only a small distance, the burning, ripping sensation loss some of its intensity.

 

The water swirling around the drain had streaks of pink. Your lips parted, eyes wide as you observed those traces of blood—your blood—circling then disappearing. How much blood could you lose? You had mistakenly believed the small lacerations would have started to seal themselves. How did the body work? The mind was a puzzle itself, one that sent forth images of how you had wiped between your legs and seen all that red. So much red.

 

 _It will be okay_ , you told yourself. _It’s over now. I’ll be okay._

 

You shifted, leaning against the wall of the shower, one knee touching that cool surface and the other on its twin. Your chest rose and fell in a steady pattern. The stabbing pain was not constant. But there was always a dull throb. A ceaseless reminder that something _had_ happened. And so you watched the blood.

 

A phantom pain. The intrusion anew. The thought of letting anyone near you again, of trusting that it would end, especially if you begged. Begging did not work. _“That sounded painful.”_ False empathy. Untrue sympathy. You accepting the tissue and wiping. It hurt to touch the tissue, soft as it was, to you. All that blood.

 

You shouldn’t have bled that much. Shouldn’t have bled at all. You had not consented, had been lied to, and there had been _no end_ when you had sobbed and trembled and tried to pull away. _“I’m almost done. Just let me finish.”_ As though you had a choice—you had already given an answer, an objection, and it had been ignored.

 

_I won’t be okay._

 

One hand over your mouth as a sob shook your body. How badly you wanted to _scream._ The noise lodged in your throat. For a split second everything spun around you as though a drain were tugging at your very existence. You wanted to give into it. Stars, you wanted to die to end the pain. To end the sense of violation. You wanted your skin ripped from muscle.

 

Your brain registered pressure, and you looked at your thighs to find your nails digging in. The rivulets that remained behind when you jerked your limbs away began to show the blood pooling beneath the damaged surface.

 

_I’m not okay. I let it happen. I should have fought harder._

 

Watching your blood taint the water until the shower turned cold. That was your first step.

 

You went through the motions of living. Dressing, though the cloth of your panties rubbed against the raw flesh. Your first trip to the toilet was all you needed to know that you had ripped open again. You braced your elbows on your knees and rested your forehead in your hands. Your legs had started to shake. Too much adrenaline moving through you, and there was nowhere to run. It would hurt to run at any rate. Walking had served as an irritant.

 

Shame. Your face grew hot, and the tears felt as though they would melt away all that they touched. You somewhat wished they would. It would prevent you from giving away the fact that you were crying in the bathroom stall. On either side of you, there was someone using the toilet. You sucked on nothing to produce saliva, wet your lips, and then timidly asked if either of them had a panty liner. The woman to your left slid the needed object to you underneath the stall, and you accepted it with a weak _thank you_. You wished that it was your menstrual cycle that had landed you there in that position.

 

Denial was a stage you toed the line of. You did what you could to convince yourself that you were bleeding the same as you had any other time of the month. There was no denying the pain. That was relentless, and so your coping mechanism failed.

 

 _It happened to me._ You stared blankly at the console in front of you, waiting for it to boot up and allow you access to the system. You wanted to talk to someone about it, say aloud what had occurred so that you would know if it was all a horrible nightmare or if it had been reality. The bloody proof that presented itself over and over was not enough for you, not anymore. You shifted in your chair. Clenched your teeth as you inhaled sharply through your nose. That _hurt_ . The officer to your right asked if you were alright. You nodded dumbly, your head bobbing like a desktop toy. _I can make the memory go away._

 

You escaped reality by throwing yourself into your work until at long last your supervisor gave you no choice but to log out of the system. She wanted you to get some sleep. Once in bed, you remained awake for as long as you could. The glow of the screen illuminated your face. A spare pillow was propped up underneath your legs. That helped ease the pain, angling your body and limiting the pressure that was placed in and on your lap. You immersed yourself in the world of the novel that you had started to read. Fantasy was preferable to reality. What made it all the more appealing was the tie-in RPG. You marked your place in the holonovel when you were no longer interested in reading, and opened the game instead.

 

“You have no patience,” one of your coworkers growled out in annoyance. Your jaw tensed, your eyes threatening to roll. You wanted to get your job done so that you could leave and spend more time on the game. It was difficult interacting with others. Wondering what they were thinking. Not trusting that they respected you or the decisions you made. Fearing that they would not care about you if you did open up. “You’ve changed. And it’s shitty.”

 

It had been weeks. The physical injuries, though better, had not properly healed. From time to time you would find blood in your underwear or running down your legs into the shower. The bruises were gone.

 

And the thing was, you had sought help. You had chatted on an anonymous forum with survivors. You had not revealed the details of what had happened to you. Nothing too in depth. You had not been ready to do that. To relive your experience in full. To think about the emotions, the sensations, the violation. The way you had felt yourself tear. Not only physically. The one who had done this to you had shredded the person you had once been.

 

_It wasn’t a dick though. Look, you weren’t raped, so you can get over it._

 

The response pierced your heart like a cold blade of ice. You felt yourself shattering. Not even the work in front of you was enough to cure the hurt. When your coworker had spoken to you, you had snapped.

 

 _That was unfair._ You inwardly snorted. _Life’s unfair. Get over it._

 

You couldn’t get over it. Your gaze dropped down to your lap. Between your legs, the sharp pain of a minor cut where you had again split. This was another stage. The self-blame. The self-hatred. He was not there in your life at the beginning of this.

 

When you met him, you thought he was a kriffing slag-bucket. It was not in person, but in the new game that had ensnared you once you had completed the RPG. His character was of a different calibre than yours. They were based on a similar model, however you had each gone different routes. The game allowed a text-based chat between users. The second his character obtained the item you had been hunting for, you had opened the chat and given him a piece of your mind.

 

Your broken mind. Your emotionally unstable, angry mind.

 

 _You brat,_ he had typed in return. Ironically, it was not something he would have said in person. There was a censor on the game that prevented true swearing. He should have reported you for harassment. Instead, the character remained idle beside yours.

 

The real you was holding in tears. Recently you had taken to insulting yourself daily. You had to toughen yourself up. No one was going to save you. No one _had_ saved you. You hadn’t even been able to protect yourself. You could hear your own breathing in your ear. Uneven. You sniffled, a noise any of your bunkmates would be able to listen to. No one spoke to you. This was unsurprising; you had been distant from them for too long. Or else prone to lashing out. Your defenses were far too strong and had become a double-edged blade.

 

 _You’re so angry._ You wiped at your tears with the very tips of your fingers, and read the line of text four times. Each time in a different tone. Annoyed. Curious. Angry. Bored. _This game means far too much to you. It is nothing more than fantasy._

 

A sort of pulsing buzz developed in your head. It started at the base of your skull then spread. You felt lightheaded. The game was superior to living life. It was _everything_ to you. You did not want reality, you wanted fantasy. Even as you thought these things, they sounded far too juvenile to type out. You could not convey the true depth of your feelings unless you revealed what had happened to you. If you did… Well…

 

_It’s not like you were actually raped._

 

That was another line. That was when you had abandoned the forum in full. You had not wanted sympathy. You had wanted to gain the strength. To tell your story as you were comfortable enough to do so. You had hoped you would gain courage so that you could speak to someone in person. You still weren’t ready for that. You did not know if you would ever be ready. To speak to them involved _trusting_ them. Your trust had been broken when your body had been violated. Then shattered further by the comments on the forum.

 

In the game, you had your character draw a weapon and fire at the one that had taken your prize from you. It would have been a headshot had there been no shield. You had forgotten about that ability, though you had trained your character to have it as well. Rather than retaliate, the character dropped the item, which enabled you to pick it up. You did not move your character in the game. Instead you stared at the display.

 

 _Why don’t you take it?_ The other user asked.

 

You felt your body go limp. _This shouldn’t mean as much as it does._ You received a friend request on the game. It was the only way that one could initiate a verbal conversation. It also prevented players from being able to kill one another. Which was the reason one was sent? You did not ask, nor did you accept the request. You cut power to the system, tucked away the device, and buried your face into your pillow. You bit down on the plush and curled your legs underneath your body.

 

It did not take you very long to spiral down into another stage. This was a repetition of how you had felt initially. The desire to die. Not because you craved death, but because you did not want the memory or the phantom sensation that haunted you whether you were asleep or awake.

 

You transferred to a Star Destroyer in an attempt to once more escape the apparition that appeared no matter what corner you turned. Loneliness tugged at you as you stared out through the windshield at your coworkers. The smiles, frowns, and even the arguments visible to you all reminded you that you yearned for human contact. You thought of walking down the ramp of the shuttle and talking to the first person you saw. Twisting your neck, you looked over your shoulder at the exit and shook your head. It would be too easy to say the wrong thing. To hear the judgment. To give into the anger that had dwelled inside of you ever since _it_ had happened.

 

The one luxury you had was a break from work shifts. You set your gaming device on your legs and basked in the glow of the display. The character whose friend request you repeatedly denied was online as well. Neither of you had blocked the other yet. Even though he insisted on sending the requests, and you informed him what an annoyance he was. You knew that the user was male since he had admitted to it. At that time, he had also asked if he made you far too uncomfortable. He would leave you alone if you asked him to. You almost had asked him to.

 

The icon above the character was blue, the same as yours. At your old duty station yours had been green. This meant that the two of you were on the same ship. Your eyes lifted, and you again looked at the sea of faces.

 

 _I think I see you._ You rolled your eyes at the block of text. _Ah. It is you._

 

Your mouth ran dry. You were afraid to meet this person. The awkward manner in which the two of you co-existed had worked for you. It had reminded you that the game was just a game. A sort of anchor that you used to keep yourself in check.

 

The ramp to the shuttle lowered. You dared not turn around in your seat to see who it was that had entered. You opted to play the game and pretend that nothing was happening. Reality did not matter. The footsteps inside of the shuttle drew closer. Black entered your peripheral, its shade different than the darkness of the walls around you. Your stomach truly sank when Kylo Ren lowered himself into the pilot’s chair. “You’ve isolated yourself.” His accusation, true as it was, proved true that your anger lay in constant waiting. Blood filled your cheeks. Your nostrils flared, and your hands became fists. The leather of your uniform gloves audibly protested your actions. You hated them for it. Hated every damn thing that reminded you you would never be able to control how your life went.

 

“Can’t get hurt that way,” you snapped. Static breathing. The crackling from his vocoder also annoyed you. Laughter failed to arise, however that scoff was enough. It revealed the lie you had spoken. You _were_ hurting. You were always hurting. The physical wounds were gone at long last, however you had failed to pick up the pieces to repair yourself. Though a part of you asked for death, you held your tongue in Kylo Ren’s presence. You wanted to punch him. Given the fact that his visor turned towards your knuckles, you knew that he could sense your irritability.

 

From his seat, Kylo Ren began to manipulate his character in the game. You stared, feeling numb save for a cold shock, as his avatar pierced the abdomen of your character. The words _killed by Revadren_ flashed across the display. You could feel the warmth of tears shifting down your cheeks. What erupted from you was not a sob nor a scream. You laughed. It was the most miserable sound you had ever heard yourself make. Throwing back your head, which hit against the back of the seat, you let yourself cry, chuckling all the while. Kylo Ren had angled his body away from yours. His fingers hovered near the controls, bending towards his palm then stretching. Over and over again. The man did not know what to do with you.

 

You did not want to die, not really, but you wanted the pain gone. Now your character, the very thing you had used as a means of escaping reality, had been killed. “Kriffing slag-bucket,” you said between laughs, which were growing in intensity. You felt lightheaded once more. Your lungs were not receiving the appropriate amounts of oxygen. “It hurts.” Another laugh. “It _hurts_ and I want to _die_.”

 

“Why?” You had not expected him to respond. Kylo Ren was notorious for being unfeeling, unsympathetic. You shook your head. You couldn’t say it aloud still. To him of all people. “Your uniform is loose on you.” Matter-of-fact. He knew, or thought he knew.

 

You recovered from your laughter. The sense of vertigo lingered, exacerbated by your shrugging. “Doesn’t matter. I wasn’t raped. I’ll get over it.” That same scoff. He knew that you were lying, and he was not afraid to show it. You jabbed a finger in the direction of your gaming device. It had fallen out of your hands and onto the floor. “Can you really do that? Just destroy me. Finish me off.”

 

“I can finish you off,” he said. You relaxed into the seat and closed your eyes when Kylo Ren stood, his device left on the pilot’s chair, and his hand extended towards your face. There was something in your throat. A pressure that coincided with a presence inside your head. Tendrils with sharp thorns began to explore your memories. Your mind offered no resistance to the search. It naturally recoiled from the pain, which served to only increase your discomfort. Tearing. Ripping.

 

The connection ended as the assault replayed in your head. Kylo Ren had seen everything. You would have held your breath if you could. Your lungs were burning too much for that. You panted, unable to look up into that masked face. Waiting. You were waiting for the judgment. For him to tell you how many people had had it worse, that you should count yourself lucky, that you needed to get over it.

 

_Blood on the tissue, you grabbed more to clean. It was a useless gesture. You pulled on your panties, wanting to get out of there with your shredded dignity._

 

Kylo Ren placed his hand on your throat, cupping your neck and pressing his palm against your windpipe. “Trust me.” He sounded so sure of himself. One hand on your throat. The other cupping your breast. It felt different than how you had imagined it would be, this first sexual contact following what had happened. Your body did jerk in response...and then relaxed, submitting to him.

 

“You’ll only let me down,” you murmured, your gaze locked on the floor. You watched the text flashing repeatedly across the screen. _Killed by Revadren_. Kylo Ren twisted his wrist, his long fingers touching your bottom lip, clawing at it until you obeyed his silent command. You opened your mouth and pushed out your tongue. The leather had a bitter flavor. The heel of his hand shoved at your windpipe, its twin now on your stomach directly above your clothed lap. He swirled both hands. You felt choked in ways you had not thought possible years ago. In a way that had only occurred once before. Your eyes snapped open.

 

All you could think about was how you had torn the last time something had been there. The pressure that had led up to the ripping. Kylo Ren moved his hand back to your breast instead. The fingers on your tongue rubbed back and forth. A strange gesture of comfort. The larger gesture was the fact that he _had_ stopped. You had not even been forced to beg. This fact nearly broke you. You were terrified to trust anyone at all, even this man who was doing everything _right_. He placed one knee between your legs on the seat, driving his thigh gently towards you. You met him halfway. You lifted your hips up and pressed down into him. It was a different pressure than before. Something that could stimulate you without the threat of penetrating you.

 

You felt nauseated as arousal began. Heat pooled from low in your stomach, wetting your panties. Any other time, wetness had signified blood. It had been the indicator that you had torn again. This time… You sighed, trembling and grabbing desperately at his wrist, lowering your head and sucking on his fingers to the knuckle. You rocked your hips into his thigh. It was blissful, this inability to breathe correctly because of his hand—a hand that _would_ leave if you begged. Kylo Ren bounced his leg, rocking it back and forth. It moved your lower lips in a circle, shifting your clitoris through the material of your uniform.

 

The pressure on your throat relented. You tilted your head to the side then threw it backwards. Those fingers were prodding at your throat, choking and gagging you. They withdrew, pinching your tongue. Your body was hot. A different heat than what you had felt in the shower after the assault. You liked this heat, this controlled pain, the stimulation. There was a spasm in your abdominal muscles that jerked your hips forward. Your grip on Kylo Ren’s wrist tightened, your legs giving out on you. He shoved you back onto the seat, pinning you as a wet gurgle emerged from your mouth. His fingers squelched when they pushed back in. Your throat constricted—and you came as he ground his thigh up against you.

 

You were alone before you could recover from your orgasm. Slouching in the seat, you focused on breathing. _Killed by Revadren_ . You nudged the device with the toe of your boot. A new line of text. _Revived by Revadren._ A second later you received what you believed was the twentieth friend request. There was no smiling, not from you. Arousal had caused your lips to swell. Only now that you were relaxed could you feel the pinpoint sting. You thought you had healed from that.

 

Maybe it was not rape, what had happened to you. You still wanted it to be over.

 

 _You don’t have to be alone._ How uncharacteristic of Kylo Ren, you thought, or at least based off of what you had heard of the man. You swung your leg, pushing at the device again. Thrusting it away from your reach. _Do not misunderstand. This is not love._

 

You snorted, bent nearly in half, and grabbed hold of the electronic. _Then what is it?_

 

_I am going to finish you off._

 

There was a pregnant pause as you considered what his words could mean. _I meant for you to destroy me._

 

_That’s a simple task. I prefer a challenge._

 

To pick up the pieces that were strewn about the figmative floor. You had started to create a new persona, albeit one based on anger and mistrust. You shook your head and started to type what you had felt but never said.

 

 _It wasn’t supposed to happen to me. It just happens to other people._ A deep breath before you plunged into typing what had been said to you. _I guess it doesn’t matter anyway. It was not rape._

 

_No, it was not. Yet you are still not ‘okay’._

 

Your mind failed to summon up a response to that. Kylo Ren was not telling you to get over it, even though he was suggesting he could assist you in getting _past_ what had happened. He was offering to help you regain a sense of self. But he knew the details! The things you weren’t ready to discuss. The shame you felt. He knew how much you hated yourself.

 

_What if I’m never okay?_

 

In the game his character took aim with a weapon. He did not fire. The reply was text-based. _I will continue taking your items._

 

“Kriffing slag-bucket.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Revadren**

_ by elmidol _

_ {gift for kylosbrickhousebody} _

 

Part Two

You were pushed towards a new stage in healing following your first encounter with Kylo Ren in the physical world. The tear was far less than the ones you had come to expect, however that it existed at all informed you it was prudent to seek medical assistance. You felt as though you could not breathe when such a thought entered your mind. It was as though air had been siphoned out of your lungs and ice poured into your veins. The medical droids or physicians would propose conducting an exam. That would involve trust. It would mean prodding and eyes. Hands. You refrained from pulling in another gulp of air, knowing that it would only lead to more pain.

 

And it was so strange, the sob that tore from your throat when a mouse droid delivered a tiny package to you. The script was handwritten, which caused you to steal away into a toilet stall to open it. Your hands were on either side of the package upon which your name, albeit the one you used in the RPG you played alongside a certain Revadren, was scrawled. It felt surreal in a way. As though something, feather touches, were tracing up and down your spine. You shuddered and, with shaky hands, began to open the box.

 

You felt stupid for the tears that built up and spilled down your cheeks. The sight of a small tube of steroid-infused bacta cream should not have had such a powerful effect on you. It did though. All the fear and terror that had been building up inside of you, the anxiety, faded. You would not have to force yourself to pretend that you trusted anyone to touch you, or look at you, there. You had all the tools you needed to finally finish the physical repairs that had become a necessity following your assault. You twisted open the cap to use it, wanting more than anything for that to be over.

 

It sometimes felt like it would never be over, and you were suddenly so terrified that hope had begun to blossom within you.

 

That terror easily transformed into agitation. The stage consisting of anger was another thing that felt as though it would go on forever. Somehow you could deal with that, even if other people around you pulled away. Except for Kylo Ren. You could not recall having ever heard of him taking an interest in First Order personnel in this way. That frustrated you too. Then you would feel your body began to react to thoughts of him. Not only in a sexual manner; your heart raced in anticipation of you next in-game meeting, nevermind if the pair of you ever touched again.

 

You had not been given shifts to work yet, which left you with far too much pent up energy as your irritable mood worsened. Bouncing one leg up and down while sitting became a habit that served to annoy your new bunkmates. That was yet another area in which you were struggling. It baffled you how much you could yearn for human interaction when at the same time you dreaded thinking about talking to any of those around you on matters that were not business related. The stares and glowering your fidgeting received prompted you to roll onto your side in bed. There had already been comments of you spending far too much time on your gaming device; whispers that you were not intended to overhear.

 

This was not the person you had been before the assault. Back then, you had had a more healthy balance when it came to work, socializing, and escapism. Back then, you noted, you had not felt that your flesh was a prison you wanted to desperately to escape.

 

Your toes were in constant motion now that your leg was stilled. You lowered your gaze to the waggling digits, which were hidden by your socks. If you were to reach underneath your pillow, you would find your gaming device. The movement ceased. It occurred to you that you would fall victim to judgment no matter what decision you made here. Bouncing your leg or feet earned you stares. Playing your gaming device earned you whispers. When was it that you had started to become so anxious that every breath you took made you want to cry? That was not from the assault, or at least not directly.

 

The responses you had received when you had last sought help now rendered you paranoid.

 

With a roll of your eyes, you seized your gaming device and opened up the RPG to see if Revadren was logged in. The icon beside his name in the chat feature was dimmed, which indicated that he was not currently active. He had, however, left a message for you. It was nothing personal, and had everything to do with the game. You found this to be slightly ironic given how he had been the one to tell you the game meant too much to you. His socialization skills were possibly as stunted as yours; perhaps worse, as you failed to recall hearing of anyone within the First Order on friendly terms with the man.

 

Revadren wished for you to complete an in-game quest that would reward you with an item to improve on your healing capabilities. His character was able to learn only the basics due to the route he had chosen. You, on the other hand, could learn mid-level magics. Items assisted in areas where high-magics were more useful. Or else there existed the possibility of teaming up, either permanently or on a temporary basis, with a healer. You wondered why the man found it necessary for you to improve your character. Was this just a means of getting you to do something other than sleep and sulk, or did he have another in-game quest in mind that required such magic?

 

Given that you had nothing else to do, you decided that it truly did not matter the reasoning. You equipped the proper items to your character then set out on the quest. It was the first time you had allowed Revadren to give you any sort of order, to determine your goal. Aside from work, you had refused to listen to others. That was what had led to your assault. Listening. Obeying.

 

Your fingers froze on the controls of the device, and your breath hitched. This was the moment you realized that you  _ did _ trust Kylo Ren in some capacity beyond work. He was not revealing the order of the steps he would take you through. Those remained a mystery, yet you were not bothered by the suspense. You knew his end game. Healing you, even if you would never be the same person that you were before. Kylo Ren hoped to finish your fight to heal.

 

_ I might be okay one day. _

 

It was the first time you believed those words.

 

Ingame, your character fought through a mob of monsters. They swarmed around an artifact that boosted their power, which caused you to wish that you were not fulfilling this quest alone. Not that you wouldn’t be able to handle them. They were not that high of a level. It was simply time consuming, and you were low on patience. With a snort, you wondered if that was the point of this quest. It hardly made sense to you since you were already plenty angry. You could not very well curse the monsters aloud like you wanted to. That would draw more  _ shushes _ and swears from your bunkmates.

 

Once you finished dispatching of the final monsters, you found the quest to be calming. The natural formations of the digital cave reminded you of sight you had seen on previous duty stations and during training exercises. You discovered that you were growing calm. By the end of the quest, when you had received the item, you were relaxed enough that you logged out of the game with no desire to further explore for the time being.

 

Being relaxed, however, did not equate to being prepared to sleep. On that front, your legs were growing restless. You tucked your few belongings away, and rose from your bunk. You slipped out of the room as quietly as you could. You had no set destination in mind. There were no one who stood out in your mind as anyone you’d want to see. You ventured to portions of the Star Destroyer that you knew eventually you would be assigned to work.

 

You felt like one of the droids that navigated the ship. People took little notice of you, most of them stepping around you in order to continue on with their work. It was due to this that you ignored a voice nearby when, apparently, you were the one being spoken to. A sudden hush in the surrounding area, coupled by a repetition of the order  _ come here _ caused you to stop walking. You faced the direction the voice had come from.

 

Of course it was Kylo Ren, you thought. You wished you could shrink away into nonexistence. Too many eyes were on you, watching to see what your fate would be.

 

You began to obey the order. Kylo Ren, perhaps sensing your discomfort, turned and headed in the direction of a more secluded area. You followed without question, a sense of relief flooding through you since you knew that you would not have to endure those stares for very long. The doors slid in opposite directions, their surfaces disappearing into the wall as the sensor picking up the clearance cylinder that was somewhere on your superior’s person. You had never before been in this portion of any Star Destroyer. It was only natural that your eyes began to wander.

 

The amount of doors with additional security caught you off guard. The rooms behind them would not house many bodies. There would be some that were devoted to computer systems and backup generators. Anything else would be far beyond your pay grade.

 

“I completed the quest,” you said after following him down another turn and through a second set of doors. This did not earn you a verbal response. You received nothing more than a vague hand gesture that may have been acceptance or dismissal.

 

You began to toy with your hands, gripping your left index finger with your right hand then only your right thumb and forefinger. You did not wish to be an annoyance. Now that he had taken an interest in you, you were fearful that he would leave. If you said the wrong thing. Talked too much. Your hands were growing clammy, and you wiped the sweat onto your pants. Kylo Ren paused in his steps. He twisted around at his waist, albeit not enough that the two of you were face to face. Instead he appeared to be staring at the ground to his left.

 

“There is no need for you to be afraid. I do not intend to harm you.” His tone was no different than the one he had used on the shuttle when first the pair of you had met in person. It did lack the implied snark and sarcasm. You latched onto this genuineness. “I know you are not ready to trust others.” A muffled chuckle, one that had your face feeling suddenly warm. “Your anger, however, we will attempt to utilize in a more productive manner.” Before you had a chance to ask him to elaborate, he was speaking again. “You are entitled to that anger. I know it well, though it was born from a different catalyst.”

 

All that you had heard in regards to violent outbursts from the man entered your mind. You sorted through the stories, wondering which portions were fabrications. The next thing that you gave thought to was that he admitted to understanding your anger, as though he had faced an intense betrayal of trust or an injury that was, to some effect, intimate. Close to the heart, or was it his body? You would not ask. There was something far too intrusive when people asked  _ you _ , and it was a large reason you had pushed them away. That fear of rejection, but also a fear that they would treat you differently if they knew. While you hoped that you would experience no alteration of behavior if Kylo Ren confided in you, you knew that it could happen on a subconscious level.

 

“Do you mean spending time in the training areas?” you questioned upon noticing how the silence was allowing your mind to wander more than you preferred.

 

Kylo Ren resumed walking. You shuffled forward. If you lagged behind, the chances of you becoming lost were high. In a sense, you were already lost; you had no idea where you were, and the man you were with had not bothered to inform you either. “If that is what you wish.” You decided that non-answers were a nuisance. Another rich chuckle echoed off the walls. This one was louder than its predecessor. “You truly are irritable. Is this overwhelming for you?”

 

“I don’t know.” You thought about the question, taking into consideration the anxiety that was starting to build. The paranoia. The annoying impression that you would break down crying at a given moment. In the RPG, you traveled miles with your character. You interacted with NPCs and the occasional player. Doing so in real life was different. It was  _ you _ . You would be the one having to speak, having to endure the reactions of people. Things that would truly impact your life in a long term sense. “Where are we going?”

 

“This way,” he replied nonchalantly, as though you should have expected such an answers. You did not argue with him nor press further despite being disappointed in his response. For all you knew, his intention could very well be ensuring you walked off your pent up energy and anger. In a way, it  _ was _ working. Kylo Ren’s presence was calming for you. He already knew what had happened to you—he had  _ seen _ it by peering into your mind—and thus there was no looming question or fear of  _ what happens when he finds out? _

 

There was the added bonus that not many of your rank would ever enter this area of the Star Destroyer. You smiled at that thought.

 

Kylo Ren shortened the length of his strides, which you took to mean that there was no other personnel nearby. You were able to walk at his side now rather than behind him. This position reminded you of how his character would travel alongside yours in the game. You supposed this was what allowed you to accept him more easily than you had anyone else. There were urges here and there to push him away. A natural reaction for you, the need to protect yourself more intensely felt.

 

The closer proximity reminded you of what had occured on the ship. Him touching you, and you enjoying it. “I had thought I was past the physical injuries. But, I guess, I had never exactly ‘tested’ the theory.” His mask faced your direction for the duration of four seconds. “Thank you for the medicine.”

 

“I was equally responsible for the aggravation of your injury this time.” Though he phrased things as though he had felt obligated to take such an action, you knew that this was his way of saying  _ you’re welcome _ without being sentimental. He had an image to maintain. One of detachment. As though he felt nothing emotional. If that were the case, you thought, he would never have volunteered to assist you in your quest to heal.

 

You glanced down at his thigh then trailed your gaze a few inches upwards. “You left right afterwards.” You ensured that there was nothing accusatory in your tone; it was questioning.  _ Why _ had he left? Had he not wished you to touch him? Was he being conscientious? Had he known that you had reopened a cut? Kylo Ren once more looked to you. The air vents made as much noise as his vocoder. He was breathing, observing you without responding. “I don’t know how I would have reacted if you had stayed.”

 

Kylo Ren shifted his arm towards you, his gloved knuckles touching the side of your hip. As before, you tensed at the contact then relaxed. The soreness from your cut had not disappeared entirely despite the bacta. It would take a few more applications before that occured. You flicked your eyes up to his visor. The two of you stopped walking in unison. His hand had not broken contact with your body. You turned, as did he, to where the toes of your boots met those of his. Kylo Ren extended his fingers, wrapped them around you, and placed the heel of his hand on you as well.

 

You would not touch him, not here and not now, though you felt an urge to do so. That would come in time, when you were ready and if he remained willing. Your superior sensed this. He was the first to back away. The two of you, together, walked side by side in the direction from which you had come. Eventually you fell in step behind him.

 

It was only when you were once more in your bunk that you realized what Kylo Ren had done. Ensured that you would speak with him. Your anger had been soothed by the walk as much as by conversing with him. You  _ needed _ human interaction, something more than the RPG. You better understood your own anger. You were at a stage of desperation and despair.

 

Even Kylo Ren, as much as he pushed people away and did not allow for intimate relationships, he had conversations with others. The Supreme Leader. Arguments with General Hux. He had the respect, as well as the fear, of those who served in the First Order. He had his Knights of Ren.

 

You did not touch your gaming device; it remained tucked away not only for that night but through the next cycle.

 

It was a relief to you when you were given orders for your first shift aboard the  _ Finalizer _ . Your job was much the same as it had been on your previous duty station, which allowed you to fall into the rhythm of the schedule rather easily. Unlike before, however, the work area was more cramped, and there were two bodies per console. The instrumentation here was more finicky than what you had trained with. It issued a  _ beep _ that had you holding your hands up in the air, your fingers level with your shoulders. The other officer working on the console turned his head, his eyes scanning over the area you had just touched.

 

“Don’t worry,” he said without looking at you. “As long as you don’t set off any alarms, mistakes are usually overlooked. “Hmm… Ah. Here. You missed a keystroke before shifting over to these controls.” You held your breath as the man reached across you, his arm brushing against the front of your shirt, though you doubted he realized it. You were sensitive to touch, no matter how soft.

 

_ Don’t freak out _ , you thought yourself. You had not allowed anyone to invade your personal space in this manner. At least, not anyone who was not Kylo Ren.

 

His elbow hit you as he pulled away to settle back in his chair. He apologized, words that you hardly heard. They were muffled as though you were under water. There was a whirring in your ears followed by a pulsing. Your heartbeat. On some level, you could feel the officer’s stare on you, and you knew that it was because you had not yet responded to him. Even though you knew this, you could do nothing about it. Your brain was struggling to process the stimuli.

 

“Are you...okay?” He kept his voice low, which prevented others from looking over to check what was going on. You nodded dumbly, not trusting your voice. If you spoke, there was a chance you would laugh or cry or give into hysterics. It was too crowded in the room. You felt as though you were suffocating.

 

The man who had been seated beside you stood and walked past where you could observe him in your peripheral. You did nothing more than stare directly ahead of yourself. You did not wish to look up to see if anyone else had started to take notice. Surely someone had. Your fellow officer returned in under a minute. He placed protective ear muffs on the console in front of you.

 

“It’s a lot to adjust to,” he offered. You again nodded without adding any verbal response. Your hands skimmed along the surface of the ear muffs. At last did you say something to him, a  _ thank you _ as you pulled on the headgear. Instantaneously, you felt less overwhelmed now that the noise of the room was muffled. It worked similarly to the RPG. You were surrounded by various officers yet paid them no heed. The only person besides yourself that you had to give attention to was the man who had brought you the ear muffs.

 

By the end of your shift, you had a headache despite the ear muffs. Concentrating on learning the new system had drained a lot out of you. And the headgear had not eliminated the fact that there were, for you, too many people around in that cramped room. You failed to log into the game again, although it had to have been on your mind as you dreamed of it.

 

“You have been recommended for psychological evaluation due to reports of antisocial behavior and what some believe to be paranoia.” You rolled your eyes as you walked beside Kylo Ren. It had been roughly a week since you had returned to work, and aside from the officer who sat beside you—his name was Toumas Newtalby—you honestly had failed to speak with anyone. The noise cancelling earmuffs had become a part of your everyday uniform. Only now that you were on a break had you removed them. Both you and Kylo Ren were walking through the same set of doors you had when first he had commented on you dealing with your anger in a more productive manner.

 

If anyone would have asked you, and they hadn’t, you would have said that you were at last making an improvement. You had developed social anxiety, which you were unable to shake off. And it was not that you couldn’t appreciate anyone viewing your behavior as grounds for an evaluation. Lives were at stake.

 

“The bacta treatments have worked for you,” Kylo Ren said when you remained quiet. Though it was posed as a statement, there was an undertone of questioning. He wanted confirmation, which you gave in the form of a small  _ yes, thank you. _ “You did not report your assault.” You winced, waiting for the judgment. The  _ why didn’t you _ or the  _ you should have _ . He said neither of those things. “I will interfere on your behalf this single time. There will be no evaluation.”

 

The walk did not end in the same location it had the previous time. Kylo Ren stepped forward through a new door. Entering behind him, you wrapped your arms around yourself and let your eyes circumnavigate the tiny closet. The door remained open. You could flee through it at any time, although currently you possessed no such urge. Instead you slid down onto your knees in one of the corners. The wall behind you was cold. You could feel its frigidity through your clothing.

 

“I’ve been pushing people away for so long… It isn’t easy to let anyone in. To not wonder what they’re thinking. My bunkmates are mostly indifferent now, which is better than how it used to be.”

 

Kylo moved into the corner that was diagonally across from yours. He squatted there, the dark visor of his mask never moving from you.

 

“If I do get close to anyone, and they find out… What if they’re mad that I didn’t tell them from the start? That was one thing I read on the forums that can happen. As though they’re entitled to know. Or they say  _ I would have treated you differently or better if I had known _ —like it makes a difference. I don’t want that. Toumas doesn’t push.” You ran the back of your hand along your forehead. “Before I opened up about my own assault, some of the people on the forum were… I do understand to some extent, but… I was lectured about how it was a  _ privilege _ to be told what happened to someone, for them to trust you enough to open up. Which is true, but the assumption that I didn’t or couldn’t understand it… The pressure that  _ I _ had to open up to feel in any way worthy, to feel that my opinion or feelings mattered…”

 

The corners of your eyes were stinging where tears had started to gather. You blinked repeatedly to will them away, and managed to succeed in part because you held your tongue until you had recovered.

 

“I shouldn’t have to tell anyone I don’t want to. I shouldn’t have to feel pressured to do so. And then, when I do… I already know people have experienced worse. It doesn’t take it away. I’m trying to move on. It doesn’t mean I want to talk to anyone.”

 

“Don’t talk then,” he said, as though the answer had been obvious from the start. You narrowed your eyes, meeting the gaze of his visor. “Between shifts, ensure that you are in public locations. The cafeteria or the training grounds. This allows you to be seen amongst people though you do not speak with them. It will dissuade others from reporting your antisocial behavior.”

 

You uncrossed your arms, placed your hands on the ground, and scooted yourself forward. You were not antisocial, you wanted to argue. You were more...selectively social. Toumas was fantastic. Kylo Ren was—he had a category of his own that consisted of several adjectives. He had told you that his interest in you, the way he was in your life, that it was not love. Strangely, you did not feel that you needed love. You pushed against the ground again. More inches were erased in terms of distance. A third time. His mask dipped almost imperceptibly, following your movements.

 

“Sometimes I feel like a coward for not reporting what happened. If it happens to someone else, I… I’d feel guilty. But I also think about the responses I got, and the idea of me being publicly called a liar...of them getting away with it… It feels like being violated over and over again. So I just shut my mouth to protect myself. That’s pretty kriffing sad, isn’t it?”

 

Kylo Ren shifted to where he was kneeling; you had placed your hands on his thighs to brace yourself. Your gaze was on his lap. It terrified and thrilled you at the same time, the idea of touching him. A challenge to yourself. An  _ I can do this _ gesture. You sat there, almost frozen in place, staring down. Waiting, willing yourself to move with no success.

 

“Do you think I’m a coward?” you asked. The question had been on the tip of your tongue for a while now. There were those who would label you as a victim to further shame you for the injustices you had faced. You would not have minded the term otherwise. Yet to endure it in the form of something so derogatory—all on top of the fact that there would always be the question: why didn’t you report it? Or the statement of  _ you can still speak up _ .

 

He chuckled. “The one who tried to kill me in a game, all because I took an item you wanted?”

 

“That’s stupidity, not bravery,” you whispered. You could not help but smile at the memory. You moved in closer to him, your body between his spread knees. Your forehead resting on his cowl, your hands at long last cupping him through the robes he wore. He sighed at your touch. A soft, static sound that was relaxing to you. You pushed at the material, bunching it up to one side and opening the front of his pants. You used your forearm to keep aside the material while pulling your gloves off, one by one, with your teeth. They fell to the ground between your body and Kylo’s. Palming him, you found that you were the one to shudder at the contact. “I had told myself I could never have this.”

 

“I had not known you wanted it that badly.” Your shoulders shook with your laughter. Licking your lips and rolling your eyes, you shook your head and smiled. Your thumb skimmed the spongey head of his erection. Precum smeared. You broke the contact to lift your hand to your mouth, spitting in it, wetting it to prevent irritating his sensitive flesh. You wrapped your hand around him again at the base of his cock. A single stroke upwards earned a soft  _ oh _ .

 

“It’s driving me crazy. I want to  _ hurt _ them so badly,” you said. Kylo Ren nodded. He would know that feeling, would be familiar with it. This was the man who lashed out with his lightsaber or with the Force when provoked. How was it that he was so patient with you? “But I don’t want to ever see them again either.” Four fingertips ghosted down his sac to his perineum. This moan from him was louder, as though no one had ever ventured to touch there. His cock bobbed between his legs, his body pitching forward. You moved in reverse. Palming his balls, rolling them, gripping his shaft and licking your lips as you considered the very tip of his erection. “Can I…”

 

“Yes.”

 

You curved your spine, bending backwards enough that Kylo Ren was able to rise without you having to break contact. He braced himself against the wall. Up on your knees, you hollowed your cheeks and sealed your lips around the first inch. His hand went to the back of your head, urging you forward without being too forceful. This man—he was both out of control and well disciplined. Volatile. Rather similar to you, someone who knew how to roll with your emotions, your irritability, your vulnerability. You moaned. Closed your eyes and let his shaft rest on your tongue.

 

How could something so carnal be so empowering?

 

_ I can do this. It wasn’t stolen from me. It doesn’t have to change my entire life. _

 

His cock left your mouth with a  _ pop _ and trail of saliva that eventually broke, clinging to your chin. You ignored the wetness, content to focus on tilting your head and swiping your tongue from right to left directly under the head. You pursed your lips to allow more spit. Hand moving up and down in slow strokes. Your hot breath in a steady stream, you blowing on his wet flesh. The hand on the back of your head jerked, twitching. You were brought closer to him. Your lips met him, and you gave his cock a gentle kiss.

 

With the hand that was not on your head, Kylo Ren assumed the role of holding aside his robes. You were grateful that you could use both of your hands. You pressed on his thighs, though they were clothed, to feel the toned muscles. “Oh, kriff,” you said breathlessly. “You can…” There was no need to finish your statement. The hand on the back of your head shifted to one side, its twin on the other. He pushed into your open mouth, moving towards the back of your throat. You held onto his thighs. The muscles tensed, relaxed, tensed again as he began to thrust inside. His hands controlled the movements of your head.

 

Your jaw felt as though it were being stretched wider than it was supposed to. It was a little uncomfortable. Kylo Ren pulled back your head, moving you off of him and allowing you time to breathe before thrusting back inside. This time, you pushed against his right wrist with your head. He allowed you to control the angle, which in turn made it to where you no longer felt that strain and were able to take him more deeply. Your tongue undulated under him. The skin around the head of his erection met the tips of your teeth. Not to where he was cut. The lightest of pressure. He groaned. The sound was so deep coming from that mask, distorted by the vocoder.

 

_ This. This. This. _

 

This was a level of trust you had not known you were capable of. Allowing him to control you. To make the decisions what to do with your body, your mouth. The tears in your eyes were from relief as well as the effort of taking him into your throat. You tried to breathe through your nose. It was not enough. You patted his thighs. Kylo Ren growled low in his throat, however he obliged. You were allowed two breaths before he resumed.

 

He thrust inside, fully sheathed and holding you in place. Pulled back, rolling his hips in two quick thrusts. Holding you a second time. You gagged around him, which caused him to relent. You waggled your tongue against him as a way of showing your gratitude. Whimpering, your throat was in constant motion. Swallowing again and again as he came. Kylo rocked forward one final time. His softening cock slipped out of your mouth. He tilted your head back, forcing you to look up at him. Your eyelids fluttered. Your chest was rising and falling more heavily, your breathing labored.

 

“Ensure that you follow my directions.” You blinked a final time, closed your mouth, and nodded. It was difficult to accomplish; he had not relinquished his hold on you. Leather skimmed back and forth on the tips of your ears. His thumbs. “It is a large step to trust yourself around others. It’s time to take it.”  You were no less nervous to complete this task than you had been before. But you would do it. “And… Tonight there is an event quest. I need your character’s healing capabilities.”

 

This, on the other hand, you were plenty ready for. You missed playing the game, escaping the world around you. Even if you someday played the game less often, you did not want to give it up entirely. It meant more to you than it perhaps should have. That did not have to be a negative thing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Revadren**

_ by elmidol _

_ {gift for kylosbrickhousebody} _

 

Part Three

Sitting beside Kylo Ren while playing on your gaming device turned into a new experience. It was different than when he had killed you. That had not been the two of you adventuring together. This, on the other hand, meant that you had to endure his comments in person. There was no game censor. Not that you had fallen under the misconception that he was a _nice_ _guy_ , if anyone was to put labels on him. Perhaps not a _bad boy_ either. To you, he was simply Kylo Ren, the kriffing slag-bucket that was informing you how you should equip _your_ character. You bit down on the insides of your cheek.

 

It was strange, in a rather negative way. He had assisted you in letting off steam, in learning how to cope with what you had gone through. This was a change. You wanted to run away from him. Or punch him in the face. Perhaps a combination of the two.

 

A sigh from him, and you sobered. He was looking to get a rise from you. Now that you took a moment to think on it, he  _ had _ informed you that you needed to find a more healthy way to deal with your anger. “We should focus on the quest,” you said, tapping your thumbs on the sides of the gaming device.

 

Kylo Ren was on a chair while you were seated on the ground—by choice—to his right. The man nudged you with the toe of his boot; a light brushing that, had it been your foot rather than your shoulder, you would have thought of as flirtatious. In this case, it was better categorized as lustful. You scooted away from him, your hands ever busy with the game. It was not to insult him that you created the distance. He insisted that the quest end in success. This meant there would be no temptation to touch him, nor giving into his experimenting with having a conversation or debate that was more akin to the relationship of your characters. He tended to take any excuse to utilize sarcastic remarks.

 

You envied that. It was not dissimilar to a handful of the relationships you had had prior to your assault. Friends and co-workers you had left behind for a fresh start. Given that you had never heard of Kylo Ren purposely engaging in what could be construed as a more civil debate with lower ranking officers, you could not help but feel touched that he had attempted to do so for your sake. It was truly a challenge for him. Far more complicated than simply destroying or killing you as you had asked him to do the first time you had met. Without allowing it to distract you too much from the game, you thought of what it would be like to truly converse with the man as you had in the RPG. The bickering. It had been different when you had not been aware you were speaking to Kylo Ren of all the people in the galaxy.

 

Revadren was displayed on your screen as well as Kylo’s. You marveled at the ease with which the character cut through the first mob of monsters encountered on the quest. Was Kylo Ren so precise on the battlefield? That was one thing you had not experienced; and it was not as though you  _ hoped _ to find yourself in the midst of battle or carnage. The man buffed the shield on his character. You saw the advantage to the route that Kylo Ren had taken, although you still preferred yours due to your style of play. The shield spells that he had taught his character were ones that you could not use, save for the first.

 

“There are other players aboard this vessel,” Kylo Ren said simultaneous to watching as you cure Revadren. “Should your endeavors to appear as though you are socializing fail, I will ensure you meet one.”

 

This caused a sour expression to cross your features. The measures he was prepared to take were because he did not wish to fail in the task he had assigned to himself. Was this the equivalent of a quest to him? You hated to think that, that he thought of your life as a game. You would not mind if he thought of you as a lover or sexual partner. Your eyes flicked to his knee, the one that was nearest to you. “After I’m ready to move on… Once I get to that stage, what happens?” You were hardly prepared for him to answer, regardless of what he said. But to hold your tongue when this question was plaguing you would only cause increased misery.

 

“Only you will know.”

 

You did not protest his response, although for you it was a disappointment. The two of you continued on the quest in a semi-comfortable silence. This allowed you to think of his reply to you. It may not have been direct. That was why it took you so long to understand the kindness of it. It was true that only you would know. When you were ready to take all of those steps, and after you  _ had _ taken them, your feelings could be different. That did not mean the sex wouldn’t be enjoyable. Yet what if you opened yourself up to others who could be with you in other intimate ways? There was the chance that sex would not be enough for you at that point. Or maybe it would be, while you also enjoyed the emotional support of new friends.

 

Kylo Ren enjoyed the sex as well—that is to say, all the sexual acts the pair of you had performed together. He would be open to continuing this, that was the impression you were getting.

 

Aside from Kylo Ren, and in part _ because _ of Kylo, you soon found yourself taking that step to allowing yourself time around your co-workers while off duty.

 

It was Toumas Newtalby who agreed to accompany you to the training grounds following a rather dismal first attempt of you going at it alone. You had not realized that on a Star Destroyer, some officers and other First Order personnel used the grounds as a means to flirt and arrange for hookups. That was not anything you were interested in. You already had a partner. Even if you had not been involved with Kylo Ren, you were doubtful that you would have trusted someone else with your body. It had occurred to you again, while you were walking on the treadmill beside Toumas, that thus far there had been an absence of penetrative sex.

 

You did not spend much time on those thoughts; being in a public place was a rather effective discourager, for one thing. For another, Toumas had started to speak to you. Your eyes flickered over to him as he repeated the question. How long did you want to exercise for?

 

_ Whatever gets eyes off my back, _ you thought, though outwardly you shrugged and stated forty-five minutes would suffice. Technically speaking, you were doing more than what Kylo Ren had suggested. Not only were you  _ around _ your co-workers; you were semi-actively speaking with one. That had to count for something, didn’t it?

 

“You okay?” Toumas asked. You knew that he was not pressing you for information. You had felt yourself starting to sink back into your own mind. And that had also resulted in your facial features twisting.

 

You shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I am.” A true statement that ran deeper than he could know.

 

When the forty-five minutes ended, you did not pull away from Toumas’s company. Instead, finding that you were genuinely comfortable with him outside of working, you asked if he wanted to get a quick snack. The man hesitated at that—he was romantically involved with another, which you had recently learned. Quickly understanding what impression you were likely giving off, you held both of your hands up in front of yourself in a display of harmlessness. At the same time, you stated that it wasn’t  _ like ‘that’ _ . Toumas snorted at the way you phrased things, but decided to take you up on the offer.

 

The two of you sat in one of the corners of the cafeteria. You each had a drink and a small snack. You fidgeted with your drink, tapping your thumbs against its side. “People reported me for anti social behavior,” you confessed. Your eyes darted to your current companion only to lower to the table.

 

In your peripheral, you could see him nodding. He said that he had heard about it already. You puffed up your cheeks in annoyance. Sometimes people did not know how to hold their tongues. You were tired of the gossip. Stars, it was yet another reason you had always been afraid of confiding in someone on a face-to-face basis. The possible rumors. Now though? Now you were annoyed.

 

“I…” You swallowed thickly. Toumas sat straighter, watching you and waiting. Your eyes widened, and you shook your head. You were annoyed with yourself. This inability to speak.

 

Toumas pushed at his food, nudging it away from himself an inch. “You don’t have to tell me anything you aren’t comfortable with. Sometimes people don’t mind their own business. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but it’s been obvious you’ve been dealing with something...something recent.” Inside your mouth, your tongue was in constant motion. You lightly bit down on it, adding just enough pressure so that there was sensation but no pain. “If you are ready, I’m not trying to blow you off. There’s some place else we can talk. Less of a chance of someone overhearing.”

 

You offered a quiet  _ thank you _ while realizing that you were not quite ready to tell him. You did not think that it would take too much longer for you to find that appropriate level of readiness. Still, this first step of truly socializing with someone beyond Kylo Ren had been good for you. When you were in your bunk, you were relaxed. Not pretending to be, not playing the game and escaping reality. Your mind was running through the possibility of speaking with others. Perhaps one of your bunkmates?

 

You looked around, all the while trying to remember which of them had said things you would never forgive. Some comments went over the line. Behind you, someone was moving. You turned onto your other side, eyes scanning a new portion of the room. One of your bunkmates was awake, blankets pulled over her head. There was a dim brightness coming from the covers. She was either watching a holodrama with her headphones in, or else reading a holonovel. You could not remember if you had ever had any sort of contact with her. Had the two of you ignored one another? That seemed  _ very _ likely.

 

Though the urge to socialize with others was there, it was not the point where you wanted to climb out of bed and test the waters. That would be for another day. In the interim you would watch your bunkmates more carefully, namely the female under those covers. You were at the stage where you were becoming ready to let down your guard when around others. Not completely; that could take months or years. Still, you felt a sense of peace at knowing that things were shifting in a direction that prevented you from wanting to further isolate yourself. It would not be entirely easy to undo some of the self-inflicted damage. You had very thoroughly pushed others away, and not everyone would be forgiving. For you, that was okay.

 

At the end of your next shift, you did not return to your bunks to follow through with your plans to observe your bunkmates. Kylo had asked if you wished to come to his quarters. Naturally, you had accepted the offer. You repeated the words in your head, the ones he had spoke: this was not love. It was a form of compassion. You weren’t sure if he would have admitted to this, even though the two of you were drawn closer to one another than you had initially believed would occur. You wondered if that was simply out of neediness. Were you desperate for acceptance? Were you afraid of him leaving you? This man, the first one you had been intimate with since the assault. You hated to think that you could become too clingy. That you could be clingy at all.

 

“You would not be here if I didn’t enjoy your company.” His voice was deep, level—and different now that he no longer wore the helmet. What sort of expression were you wearing, you wondered, that he was able to read your thoughts so easily? Or did this have something to do with the Force?

 

You lowered your chin towards your chest to look down at your naked form. Save for removing the helmet, Kylo Ren had not stripped in the least. You hadn’t asked him to. He, on the other hand,  _ had _ asked. That had thrown you for a loop. Not that you had expected him to force you to undress. It was just that  _ please _ that he threw in there. You ran through that moment in your head again. Him taking off the helmet. You gawking at him. Then “You may take off your clothes...please.”

 

So, it had been something more of a suggestion than an outright question. The effect had been the same. You had slowly removed layers of your clothes. Not everything at once; your tremblings hands hadn’t allowed for that. The shoes and socks came off first. A minute of you hem hawing around and avoiding eye contact. You felt more comfortable removing the shirt and bra that you had worn. The pants and panties did not come off until nearly twenty minutes after that.

 

That had been all of ten minutes ago, and here you kept your legs pressed tightly together, your body angled away from him. You told yourself that it was stupid. The two of you had already had  _ some _ forms of contact. He hadn’t insulted you after seeing you naked. Hadn’t pushed to touch you. What Kylo Ren  _ had _ done was comment on how you had started to believe the negative things people had said about you. It was an easy thing to do when you had been mentally cursing yourself and allowing your negativity to spread, influencing how you interacted with people. You had been short tempered. Antisocial.

 

And you had heard the comments about someone needing to give you a reality check; people saying someone would put you in your place; someone would give you a reason to be such a bitch.

 

It had not gotten to that extent on the  _ Finalizer _ yet. There were still hurtful phrases that your peers whispered when they thought that you could not hear them, or else when they did not care if you did. You did not feel beautiful or sexy. The assault had made you feel dirty, and the aftermath had left you believing that you weren’t worth much at all.

 

You had been slowly working your way back to this point. The first time Kylo Ren had touched you, despite the pain, it had been nice. And when he had allowed you to touch him? Wonderful. But you had not been naked and vulnerable on those occasions like you were now.

 

“What if I cry during sex?” you asked in a whisper.

 

Kylo Ren’s eyes flickered along your face as he replied, “Do you believe I’d be so disappointing?” You snorted at the attempt at a joke, shaking your head and mouthing the word  _ no _ . “Would you wish for me to ignore the tears?” You did not know how to respond to this question, as you did not have an answer. Kylo pinched the tip of the leather on his left middle finger. Watching as he removed the glove, you held your breath in anticipation for the skin-on-skin contact.

 

His flesh was  _ hot _ . There had been goosebumps pimpling along your flesh. Now you felt heat coursing through your body. Kylo had cupped your upper arm. His touched shifted upwards to your neck then higher so that he was able to cradled the side of your face against his palm when you leaned into him. The worries that existed in your mind did not disappear. They did, however, fade away into the background. You closed your eyes and allowed Kylo Ren to explore your body. Each place he touched you felt as though it were lit on fire in a pleasurable sense. Your hands clutched his cowl. Your mouth hung open as you gasped for air. He did not penetrate you, not even with his fingers. His touch was gentle, ready to break at the slightest hint of resistance from you. When you tensed your abdomen as his hand skimmed down from your chest towards your lap, Kylo Ren instead cupped your left breast while he suckled your right.

 

You left his quarters and returned to your bunk before sleep cycle had ended. A large fraction of your bunkmates did not stir when you entered. For all you knew, they had not noticed your absence, or perhaps had been grateful for it. What you noticed, and what kept you from falling asleep immediately, was that the same female co-worker had the blankets drawn over her head again. There was a dim glow shining through. You could hear sniffling, th muffled sounds of her crying. Your brain gave out conflicting signals. One told you to learn what was wrong, and the other screamed for you to stay where you were. You fell asleep observing the blanket cocoon.

 

At the beginning of the following cycle, you whispered to your nearest neighbor while gesturing with your head to the bed. “Do you know her?” The female to which you had just spoken paused in her actions of making her bunk. She furrowed her eyebrows, her eyes running up and down your body repeatedly.  _ Oh yeah, _ you thought,  _ I guess I’ve never taken the time to know anyone. _

 

“She came back from forced medical leave,” your co-worker said after she had recovered from her surprise. “If I were you? I’d avoid her. You’ve finally started to break away from ostracizing yourself.”

 

Funny, you thought, given that you hardly felt welcome. The other female had walked away from you after saying those words, giving that warning. You thought of how Revadren had followed you around in the game after that first meeting. You wanting to push everyone away, including him. The young woman on the bed reminded you of  _ you _ . She had sat up, bags under her eyes and hair disheveled. She looked to you as though she had not received more than an hour or two’s worth of sleep. Your other bunkmates, the ones who were awake and readying themselves for their shifts, ignored her.

 

You readied yourself and then checked to see how she was progressing. Her uniform was rumpled, although she was undoing her shirt to remedy that. Muttering to herself. You knew that you could receive severe consequences for being late to your shift, however you could not help but feel drawn to her. This was you shortly before Kylo Ren had inserted himself into your life. Spiraling downwards, pushing everyone else away. The circumstances were possibly different; you did not know. You also did not care.

 

You shoved aside any warnings from your other bunkmate. She jerked her eyes up to your face when you approached her. It was clear to you that she had not expected anyone to talk to her. Had she chosen to be alone, or had everyone else decided to avoid her? “I can help you...if you want.” There was no verbal response. She awkwardly nodded, lowering her gaze and allowing you to take the shirt she had pulled off. You assisted her in getting ready, and from there the two of you parted to fulfill your shifts. She had not given a name, and you hadn’t thought to check her badge until later.

 

Toumas had heard of her, however he did not know her name. She had not suffered a psychotic break as some rumors went. Toumas had been curious enough to weed through the gossip. She had had emergency surgery for a large uterine myoma. Because she had been forced to have a hysterectomy, there were also rumors of miscarriages. Things had spiraled from there. Lies that she had slept with a superior officer, who had then forced her to to abort the child since he was married.

 

_ Kriff, people are assholes, _ you thought, wrinkling your nose and shaking your head. This had been precisely why you had pushed people away.

 

That was the day you did take Toumas up on his offer to go to the more secure location in order to tell him what you had been through. You did not divulge many details. The moment your limbs began to tremble, you knew that you weren’t quite ready to go that far. He did not treat you any differently; unsurprisingly, he had thought that it might be the case, that you had recently been raped or assaulted. Being with him was different than spending time on the game or becoming intimate with Kylo Ren. It was just as important though. You felt more human with this contact.

 

You did not want your bunkmate to be robbed of experiencing that same feeling.

 

When the lights were shut off and most of your bunkmates were asleep or trying to fall asleep, you crept over to the blanket cocoon and whispered to her. “Hey.” The light disappeared. You held your breath, hoping that you had not startled her. She drew aside the blanket and scooted over an inch. There was no need for words. You slipped onto the bed and allowed her to tug the covers over both of your heads. The light came back on. You smiled, seeing the familiar sight of the RPG.

 

Kylo was not insulted that, though you were naked and in his bed, your attention was on the gaming device. He also played, though Ulin did not know Revadren belonged to the Force user. Her character was named Emry, and she was a summoner. That proved rather useful for the team that you and Kylo had started together. You had not been ready for sex. Kylo had again fondled you before you started to play the game. He had been content to pull out his own device; earlier, he had returned to the  _ Finalizer _ from a mission. The game helped him to unwind, which caused you to wonder what sort of sights he had seen. What demons was he attempting to purge?

 

“There are rumors circulating.” You had heard a handful of them. They regarded your relationships, the one you had with Toumas and the one you had with Ulin. Toumas’s girlfriend did not believe them. You had met her, and she was one of the few people you took time to talk to outside of work. “All worries that you are antisocial have disappeared.” You snorted then smiled. “You’re becoming somebody new.”

 

“I think I like this person,” you said about yourself. You had not expected him to reply, and it took your breath away when he said:  _ As do I. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Revadren**

_ by elmidol _

_ {gift for kylosbrickhousebody} _

 

Part Four

Though it was dictated by your comfort level, Kylo Ren had decided to be more assertive in the bedroom. You knelt on his bed just as he had commanded you to after you had undressed of your own free will. This time you did not press your legs together. You kept them parted a few inches, allowing him a glimpse of what it was he wanted. The pair of you had not had sex. You still were not  _ quite _ ready for that, although this was not the first time he had slipped a finger into you. You whimpered then bit down on your bottom lip when he pursed his lips in a  _ shh _ . A smirk settled on his face then, his eyes roaming your chest. Except for removing the helmet, he had not disrobed. This was another thing that you enjoyed. There were times that, by the night’s end, he was as bare to the air as you were.

 

The seam of his leather glove created a ridge that caused your body to spasm in pleasure as it began to pull from you. It stroked your inner walls, the digit stopping only when only its tip was inside of you. “Are you prepared for a second?” he asked, his voice low. Last time you had said no. You hadn’t been ready. The time before that, your response had been the same. This time? This time you nodded. Eyelids fluttering, you nodded and mouthing a soundless  _ yes _ . “Beg.”

 

“Please.” It sounded pitiful to your ears. Barely above a whisper, a whimpered out phrase that had his bottom lip pushing forward in a mock pout. You shuddered at the way he teased you. “Please, Kylo. Please use two fingers. I want to feel you stretch me. Please.”

 

In response, Kylo Ren skimmed the top of his index finger closer to your entrance. His middle finger began to shift further into you. You repeated the final word again.  _ Please _ . That mocking pout transformed into a smirk. Kylo gathered your juices, using the slickness to aid in slipping another finger inside of you. Arching, you began to rise to better the angle. A stern  _ no _ from Kylo had you whining and returning to your former position. You lowered your chin towards your chest. You could see the way his hand cupped you. He was using his middle and ring fingers; bending them so that you threw back your head in pleasure. Your eyes met his.

 

Kylo scissored you, spreading you in a way that you had not been for a while. Another gasp, sharp, escaped you. Your hands twitched towards his wrist, however you managed to catch yourself before you completed the act. You balled them into fists on your thighs. The man standing at the end of the bed whispered quick words of praise. The  _ good girl _ may have been demeaning in a different situation, but here it had you moaning in delight. Kylo used his free hand to stroke your cheek. He leaned his face nearer to yours, nipping at your bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth. Your stomach felt as though something was swimming inside when he traced his tongue along the captured bit of flesh. He released it next, and it slapped back into place with a  _ pop _ that echoed the sounds of his fingers fucking up into your wet opening.

 

Those fingers left you. You watched Kylo Ren with wide eyes as the Force user raised his hand towards his mouth and wrapped his tongue around the leather that was covered in your juices. He groaned. The sound sent fresh waves of pleasure and anticipation through you.

 

“Rest on my pillow. I’m going to devour you,” he said, the browns of his eyes appearing darker than their normal shade. You wondered if it was the lighting, or if lust influenced him more than it did others you knew. Either the case, it did not have any impact on whether you would obey him or not—you  _ were _ obeying him. You rested your head on the pillow, which was covered in his scent. It drove you wild, made your toes curl. Your knees remained bent, pointing up in the air even as you slid your feet towards the sides, parting your legs for Kylo.

 

You held your breath when the man moved between your legs. His hands cupped your ass, thumbs spreading you so that he was able to see more of you. Kylo Ren’s tongue peeked out of his mouth. He again shifted nearer. Your chest rose and fell heavily when he licked you the first time. The exhalation you released was an audible  _ ah _ , a sigh. You reached one hand upwards, grabbing onto the edge of the pillow and squeezing the plush.

 

When he prodded at you, it took more willpower than you had thought you possessed to not grind down, to not beg him to hurry. He was in charge, you reminded yourself. He would be the one to set the pace. Instead of penetrating you, that skilled tongue danced upwards and toyed with your clit. Kylo Ren pressed the small bud one way only to flick his tongue and force it in the opposite direction. Moving it, manipulating it in a way that had warmth spreading through your entire body. Some of that heat started in the pit of your stomach, while other parts were in your face. Hot, all of it moving downwards. Down your chest, down your belly, down to your toes.

 

The heat threatened to suffocate you, which is perhaps why the man relented. Kylo Ren drew back. His hands moved from your rear to your thighs. He pulled himself up and knelt between your legs. You gulped, swallowing after sucking in more air to wash away the sense of vertigo. “If you hold your breath, you will pass out.” You nodded and willed yourself to relax as he again settled into the position he favored. You craned your neck to watch him, your eyes scanning his before he looked away to instead decide where he wanted to touch first. His tongue found your clitoris, and the heat began to return. Mentally telling yourself to breathe, you discovered that the sensation of asphyxia was absent.

 

Instead the warmth undulated within you in time with the rocking of your hips. Kylo had once more cupped your ass, which allowed him to control your movements. You were not given a chance to fully grind yourself against his face. This caused you to whimper in need. It was then that his tongue entered you. Panting, your jaw fell aslack and you stared up at the ceiling, your head thrown back, as you let out nearly silent moans. The  _ ah _ - _ ah...oh...ah! _ a steady rhythm that was interrupted only by louder groans or whimpers when he would lightly nibble on your inner lips.

 

Though he enjoyed control, Kylo Ren was all the same a rather generous lover. In the back of your mind, you sometimes wondered if he enjoyed hearing the praise that slipped from your lips as you came. His name. All the words of adoration and awe. There was no  _ I love you _ from either of you. You preferred the respect he offered instead. You were still learning to be comfortable with this new you; had he spoken the words, you would have been scared away—and  _ not _ because it would have been uncharacteristic for him, although that likely would have contributed to a sense of unease.

 

The two of you were at the point that you did not leave directly after showering. This time Kylo Ren sat in a chair that was in his quarters. The man was rather silent, which lead you to believe that he was meditating. You did nothing to interrupt him. You were lying on your back and staring up at the ceiling. Your mind replaying the night’s events.

 

When the time came, you wanted him to be the first man you were with following all that had happened to you.

 

You were not at the stage where your memory of the assault began to fade. You did not know when, or if, that would ever truly happen. You hoped that it would, that you would arrive at that stage as this new person you were discovering yourself to have become. Ulin was not at that point either. She was a few stages behind you in terms of moving forward. That was another thing that you had learned, that it was different for every person. The time it took, the way one handled the process. Where you had once been at the stage of denial and escapism to the point that Kylo Ren had been your sole form of interaction beyond work, that was where Ulin was—although, thankfully, she also had Toumas and his girlfriend, Oura.

 

Ulin had confided in you via a private chat on the game. It was not only that she had been forced to have a hysterectomy that had shaken her world. Before that, she had been engaged. While a part of her understood her fiance breaking things off, another part did not. They could have adopted or arranged for a surrogate. Ultimately he had seen her as damaged goods. That had shaken you to your core in how deeply you related to her pain even if yours had been different. In that same way, Ulin had been able to understand you as well when you confided in her.

 

The self-loathing that she felt was worsened by the harsh treatment of her co-workers. When she did sleep, she did so curled up in the fetal position. Arms wrapped around her stomach. More than once you heard the whispered  _ empty _ slip from her in the darkness. When someone dared to tell her to  _ hush _ , you told them off. The majority of your bunkmates avoided you again. It hardly mattered. For you, popularity was inconsequential in comparison with being someone you could live with.

 

“He left me a present again,” Ulin whispered as she laid beside you on your bed. Your eyes darted over to her gaming device though you could see the aforementioned item on your display. It had baffled you that Kylo Ren—or Revadren, as Ulin knew him—was more gentle with Emry than he had been with your character. It was almost as though he had been able to sense she wasn’t quite at the  _ anger _ portion of her grieving. She was still in despair. Her personality was meek in comparison to yours. Given that Kylo was a rather capable interrogator, you assumed that he was able to see the personality differences and act accordingly. Whatever the case, it raised your already high opinion of him. “I’ll be able to learn a new summoning spell… I wonder if there’s an event quest coming up?”

 

You bit back a snort. That was definitely likely knowing him.

 

Kylo Ren was far from what you would consider to be a social bug, whereas what you knew of Ulin said that she previously had been. They were opposites. Or did he understand Ulin in a similar way that he had understood you? You wondered about what had caused him to join the First Order’s cause. Then, following up on those thoughts, you wondered what had drawn him to the game. Was that question off limits? He enjoyed the quests most of all.

 

A week and a half from when you had been able to allow Kylo to taste you, you were lying in his bed again. Covered in sweat, and staring up into his face. The two of you were equally naked this time. His body pressed against yours without him being  _ inside of _ you. His hips rocking, dipping, his leaking cock smearing precum on your belly. It was different this time, not only in that you were both devoid of clothing, but in that he was more gentle. The two of you working towards what  _ you _ wanted. You had asked him, had pressed for this to happen. He had suggested that you trust him that first time. You did. You trusted him more than you had ever thought you would be able to trust someone again.

 

He had opened the door for your friendships with Toumas and Ulin. He had also opened the door that allowed you to be more comfortable with your body again. This was an experience that you trusted only him with. If your new self couldn’t trust others to this extent, it suddenly did not matter. You had this moment, and so you nodded.

 

You held your breath as the head of his cock met your entrance. Kylo Ren had reached down, positioning himself there while keeping his eyes locked with yours. You were wet from that skilled tongue that peeked out from his mouth. Licking his lips, he drew back his head and slid inside of you. There was pressure from you holding your breath. Your jaw dropped. It nevertheless took you a few seconds more before you sharply inhaled, filling your lungs with much needed air.

 

Though he moved slowly, taking his time and allowing you to enjoy his touches, still you cried. The tears slipped down your cheeks that first time. First—after the two of you had recovered, you asked him to have you a second time. Kylo Ren had said nothing in regards to your tears. You appreciated his silence, and relished in the way he rolled atop you. This second time, you did not cry.

 

The stretch felt natural, his cock stroking your inner walls and making you feel full. It made you feel complete. Your abdominal muscles fluttered as the man above you swerved his hips. Your body gripped his, hands on his shoulders and pelvis moving in time with his. Kylo was less gentle the second time. He pulled out of you, and, his voice low, said, “On your hands and knees.”

 

“Yes, Kylo,” you replied without hesitation, rolling onto your stomach. Your placed your hands on the mattress and hoisted yourself up into the correct position. His fingers traced up the length of your spine. You did not flinch when the man cupped the back of your neck. “I’m ready.”

 

“Not yet.” He wanted to stare at you, to see you tremble with want. A shudder wracked your body at this knowledge. Goosebumps pimpled along your flesh. Your nipples hardened. It reminded you how much you enjoyed feeling his hands on your breasts. As though he could read your mind, Kylo obliged. His hand moved away from the back of your neck to trace your shoulder blade. Next your chest, this time with both of his hands. He tugged you backwards, which caused your hands to leave the mattress. You spread your legs so that when you slid backwards you straddled him. Biting your bottom lip, you looked down at your lap and his. He had not ordered you to touch him yet. “You may.”

 

Another shudder. You swallowed thickly as you gave into temptation. A moan escaped you. Behind you, Kylo Ren chuckled. You wondered if the Force allowed him to taste your desire. Merciless on the battlefield yet generous in bed; the man did not leave you waiting. You stared down at your bodies joining together. One of Kylo’s large hands cupped your front, rubbing up and down, stroking you until his middle finger slipped past your outer lips. He toyed with your clitoris, pressing lightly on it as his cock filled you. Though he was the one in charge, you felt so in control. Of your body, of the pleasure he was giving you.

 

You placed your left hand over his, which toyed with your breast. “Can I face you?”

 

“You enjoy watching my face.” You nodded, your breath hitching as he moved deep inside of you. “Good. I want to watch you as well.” You had no need to shift your body; his hands manipulated you, tugging you off of his cock and turning you around. Both of his hands on your ass, your thighs, spreading you open as he entered you, and then pressing your legs towards one another to increase the delicious pressure you felt. It was not an easy thing to watch him when your eyelids wouldn’t stop fluttering, your vision blurring at the edges as you drowned in pleasure. His thrusts grew more shallow. He ground his hips into yours, and you screamed his name in orgasm as his cum filled you.

 

Kylo pulled out of you then shifted to the right side of the bed. You curled up on the left. Your eyes ran along his body, at the beads of perspiration.

 

“Do you want me to shower?”

 

“You can stay the night.” He had a mission to complete for Supreme Leader Snoke, which was why you had been prepared to leave after the first round. When he had asked you stay for the second, you had been pleased. This was unexpected. Kylo licked his lips. “It isn’t—”

 

“I know,” you said, snorting a little as you smiled. He smirked in response. “I mean, for me it…No!” You broke into laughter as a pink hue dusted his cheeks. The two of you cared for one another in a different way. Where that led to in the future, you did not know and at the moment did not care to know. In the meantime... “I’m learning to love myself. More and more. To accept who I’ve become. It’s nice to know I don’t have to be perfect.” Kylo shifted onto his side, the two of you facing one another in full. “The game is nice, but it’s pretend. This is real.”

 

“I’m not to this point.” It caught you off guard. The words themselves, and that he would admit to any form of weakness. “A small obstacle. Revadren has its uses.”

 

“Then I guess there will be plenty of quests in our future.” You grinned widely. “And no more stealing my items.” His eyes pinched in the corners, a mixture of amusement and frustration. “Well, maybe some of them. I’m not done healing yet.” Kylo moved his hand towards you, and you slipped yours forward as well. His limb laid atop yours, and the two of you continued to watch one another until you fell into a peaceful sleep.


End file.
